Time goes by, it's been 38 days and it never went away. He's still all I could ever think about. My conversations with friends contained of his name. When I go to places I would always contemplate what it'd be like if he were there with me. I haven't gotten any email from him in four days and I don't want to be self-centered, I know he's insanely busy with work. I don't want to distrust him either, it doesn't have to go there. But it was hard enough to let go of someone in the past because of the LDR. But I made it through and here I am, with a new found long distance love.

Should I stop feeling? Because I love him so much it hurts. Should I move on, walk away and just remember him every now and then as someone I had once loved so much?

But he's too good to be true. Too good to let go.

I blame him. Those three months we were together had been the happiest I was in my life. If he left without making me so happy, then it wouldn't be this painful.

Did he have to be heaven sent?

Two years. 360 days, 8640 hours.

a little background info. I'm a Navy Girlfriend.

I swore up and down I would never date a guy in the military. It would just be too hard. But you can't help who you love. I'm now down to four weeks and for the moment I still have my sanity O_o He's only been gone for a month but it already feels like an eternity! Twenty-three more months to go *sigh* They say this gets easier but I'm still a mess. I've been trying to keep busy but everything I do makes me think of him. I feel guilty for getting to sleep in, or go out to eat, or hang with friends. He's probably going through hell and all I can do is complain about missing him. I've gone through LDR in the past and it ended in eight months after being together for four years, but I know this time we are strong enough to endure this, but how does someone ever adjust to the separation. It sucks.

I guess I've been holding up pretty well but the problem I'm having is that everything I find online about navy girlfriends, and the navy in general is so negative relating to girlfriends. It's so discouraging and I guess disheartening to be googling all about deployments and see stuff about how break ups occur so much or that your relationship will never survive. I really love him and this time I know it's real. I hope nothing ever changes.

I haven't blogged since forever but I need to vent. I disabled my once blog of two years because I wanted to shut myself completely to the world and everything written in it just brings back abominable memories. But now I realize there is something about blogging that I find therapeutic. I don't have a way with words and I may talk gibberish but, like anybody cares? So here I shall begin my "idiocy" again.

Today is not at all different from my other days but I just feel like I'm about to explode and I just need to put it out. There is 99% chance that someone will find this blog anyway. I have just been sick and tired of my endless repetitive days. Nothing is ever new. I want to get the fuck away from here and go far far off from all the pain and the hurt. Although I could never picture myself as a depressed person, somehow that is how I'm turning out to be.

Heck, I even wanted my blog mood to be "happy" but because I don't want to deceit myself, the blog theme turned out to be black with a touch of color. Synonymous to my life...dark and light combined, but the real Jern inside still outweighs it.. happy, and always finding ways to be satisfied with life. But when will I ever really be satisfied? People say, with what I have accomplished I should be happy. But those are just little things in life and people who dreams more only means we want to learn more. Someone once told me that studying shall never get old and there are new things to learn everyday. I always welcome the opportunity for new things, good or bad because whatever they become we still learn from them. The problem is, I am neutral. Same old repetitive things every single day. I am sick and tired. I want to be free.


P.S. Stranger or not, feel at liberty to comment. I would appreciate to hear from anyone :)