Empty.

I feel empty. Running away and not returning. The job, family responsibilities, the stress..? However the fact of the matter is, I only feel empty when he and i aren't ourselves. Whenever we don't talk, whenever we're cold. I get scared sometimes. Scared that one day I'll just crash and burn. Give everything up in just a snap of a finger.. and I always felt that it was a necessary move. But that's my thing of the past. I've learned, lived, and changed, and I know I'm stronger than that.. for the man I love. But what if that day comes? I was never happy letting someone go--I'm never happy when things end. But maybe whenever I was ready, get extremely exhausted to think, even loving that person beyond my control and despite the hurt stuff, I guess I've always been ready to start over and end the relationship and just move on. But how can this be any different? Because this person is someone I really love. But he's hurt me more than anyone else has. I've lived my past the same way and I don't want it repeating itself. And yesterday has been very bad for me at work.. I wanted a shoulder to lean on. I wanted a hug to tell me it's okay. I wanted someone to tell me what an ass these people are who eats you alive. BUT, it's not much of a surprise to me that that night ended up worst with a fight, fixing up the apt like usual. Will he never understand? Do I always have to be the one to try? Should I just be with someone who really loves me, who would do like I do to fix things? Frankly I do get into this lame-ass mood and end up dozing off in the couch and zoning out television. But come on. I work a 12hr shift. once a week I only get 3 hours sleep then work again. Damn I work 48-60 hours a week for heavens sake. By CA law we are only allowed to work 40 hours w/in the same company. And he can't even understand how I wish I just wanna get a hug to let me know I'm doing a good job for helping others. Yesterday I was talking to one of my patients. He and I would always talk about he and his wife met, how their life was, etc I told him how my cousins tease me about being an old maid. And then he told me, he never got married til he was 35. He told me not to rush. He said I'm a beautiful woman, always giving and very hardworking. And they've been married for 20 years now. So i guess it's never too late. Whenever I see a husband and a wife at the clinic, giving each other that endless support and that incredible love for his sick wife/ husband, I thought about me and Dan. My co worker even asked me one day if i was willing to do all that for someone I love. I quickly responded and said of course I would. When I think about Dan, I think about someone getting stressed out thinking of all the responsibility taking care of me as a sick person. [knock on wood] he would never be able to give me that with all his heart. Honestly. What am I still doing here.

The one who lost her

Found this today. Wanted to share it because it's incredible.



To the one that holds her heart,

This is going to sound so very cliche, but if you break her heart, I will run you over with my car. Now I’m pretty sure you have no idea who I am, but trust me I know all about you. You see, I have many friends, in many places. And I just wanted to make sure that the one who is dating the girl that I love with all my heart is in good hands. Since you have not received any threats yet, I guess you’re an alright guy.

But here’s a couple tips for you, always text her back, she gets really frustrated if you don’t. Don’t ever hang up on her without saying good-bye first, I’ve done that countless times and she gets really pissed off. She has certain days where she has to watch her shows like Pretty Little Liars and One Tree hill, make sure you don’t plan anything on those days. Surprise her, she likes them. She’s only ticklish in some spots and sometime she isn’t ticklish at all. She’s a fighter haha. And if she’s quoting Taylor Swift, either you’re in really big trouble or you’re making her happy.

And when you hug her, remember that you are hugging the most beautiful girl in the world and that you should always hug her back tighter. If she argues with her, argue back. But give in to her sometimes cause she can be a real bitch when she wants to be. Don’t hurt her, that will be the worst thing that you will ever do.

You have no idea how lucky you are to call her yours. So cherish it. You have the honor of holding her hand. You have the privilege to kiss her when you want. You have the ability to make her happy. She isn’t just another girl, she’s that girl that can make you the happiest person ever if you give her the chance. She’s worth everything. Everything. Take care of her.

Sincerely,

The one who lost her