A month of non-update. Sorry if I had been neglecting you dear blog. Perhaps I could've just wrote more on the days when I felt alone and restless. Yes, the past few days have been a whirlwind of buoyancy with drama on the side. I'm surprised I never resorted to my silent listener for once, today being an exception. I feel like I lost my bestfriend, and what better way to let off a few steam is to type words that can't come out my mouth. Rewind. Things that kept me preoccupied the last three weeks:
- we had to get another place and the packing and putting things in storage and finally getting them out of the boxes caused big chunks of body malaise. thus preventing me from making even a pintsized blog update.
- babysitting my cousins daughter ate most of my time
- friends became mostly my center of attention
- job hunting and going on interviews
- helluvah lot of August birthdays and parties
- getting hurt and being happy simultaneously
(wait, what? did i say i was getting "hurt?")
YES.
.. and tonight i realize, what meaning is there when you love someone as opposed to being alone because you end up crying anyway?? say you're happy with someone but when things starts becoming a tough battle, you get hurt as fuck. while being alone, you only deal with the "blues," something much easier to bear than to get hurt by someone you love. I've had four long-term relationships in the past, but somehow i still can't relate the difference of what "being loved" really is. yes you get showered with extreme love, those to-die-for phrases, the lovely eyes, that warm embrace, that lust you share. but in the end we still get hurt. tragic. does this mean true love doesn't exist? because if it does, i really don't want to be wasting time anymore. at this point i want someone i can share my whole life with. someone i could be myself with. someone i can trust. someone i could build dreams and hopes with. someone mentally, physically, and maturely stronger. i mean don't we all?? sometimes, i wish i wasn't the person who saw good in everyone. sometimes i wish i didn't give myself that much chances. i hate chances. sometimes, i just wanna listen to some loud music then turn the volume up so I can feel music in my bones and scream til I'm dizzy.. Then make the buttons pop off my shirt and hear the satisfying tear of fabric. sometimes, i ask myself- do i deserve better, or does he?
K I'm getting pointless. That being said, my head hurts. Good night.
Suck it, bitches.
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