So when I said I have thoughts about putting my personal life out here, I think I'll do just that. I don't have my John anymore to listen to me talk about crap or cry with me all night, or get drunk and cranky with.
Dealing with someone has never been an issue for me. I do care what others may think, so although sometimes I just wanna turn the voume up so I can feel music in my bones and scream til I'm dizzy, I try to be that person I was taught to be. Down-to-earth, silly, God-fearing, be a loving sister, daughter, friend. I've often been told to choose my friends wisely. Birds of the same feather, flock together, they say. I don't wanna be coined as someone I'm not just because of the people I'm with. I choose who I want to be with and when I feel they're worth my all, I give them my all. I really don't want to be the person who pretends to like somebody. Forget gentle, forget restraint. I'm seriously in need of an antithesis to this routine, I have the feeling it will never come to a halt because two of the people I care about are banded together in this madness. While I don't give a fuck, I'm the person who has standards and morales. Obviously she does not have that. I've never had people issues... not that I'm well liked by everybody (hell nobody's perfect there will always be someone who hates on you). But sometimes, no matter how much you just wanna pound both your fists against a wall and make them bleed because of sheer anger, there's this thing they call respect. I will see and hear about this person in perpetuum unless I either just give in: Tell her she's a fucking bitch, or let go of those things (/ persons) that draws us both together. You see there's a fine line between true friends, and fake friends and I don't think she understands that. But knowing myself, I don't let these petty things get to me.. I don't really like going down another person's level. Still sometimes, there are sort of things that I have trouble swallowing. I guess sometimes there are things you just have to take in hand despite the fact that you just wanna give in and make it stop.
Sorry for the lame entry. Last night I spoke to mom and cousin about it but sometimes there are things I can't tell them either. This person has just been an issue with my cousin and her husband earlier, and I hate that most of their arguments and my cousins family issues are about this person over and over. And now my other cousin. Things has not been the same between his family and him and so does everyone related to him just because.. just because. So I'm sorry my emotions are on a high. Guess you can now understand where all this is coming from. I just needed to write an entry in an attempt to salvage my sanity.
"When life throws you lemons, jump on a chair and tell it to fuck off before you belt the shit out of it" :)
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