She

I’ve been thinking a lot these past few days, more than necessary, as usual. The good thing is that there have been no waterworks, except a few tearing-ups. The bad thing is that it upsets my priorities. Fantasies suck out realities, don’t they always? It makes me wish sometimes that there was some way I could record my thoughts as soon as they wrote themselves, so that I’d preserve the very way I structured them in my head. But mostly so I’d never forget the realizations that came with them.

I’ve been thinking about how much I'm starting not to think of him all the time, I'm thinking about forgetting one of my closest friends that I decided not to talk to anymore (she hurt me, and because of the friendship, I decided to just ignore it), I've been thinking about my alternate universe(s), the holes in my fantasy, the people that I’m jealous of, the hearts I wish I could touch, the lives I wish I could save, the people I wish I could curse, and a million other things, some too abstract for me to define.

I think I talk a lot. But, let the universe be in charge of the fates of my blog. If someone is meant to find this, I guess they simply will. But I really prefer keeping this non-public to my own close acquaintances. Sorry for blabbing but being alone is my comfort zone. I feel so much comfort when I'm writing, reading and eating.

So what about Arvin, you ask? He hasn't emailed me in a week and a half. This is by far the longest he hasn't emailed me in months. I want to be able to understand him, but I would appreciate it if he leaves little things on my fb wall or say hi when he could and it wouldn't matter if it only contained two words as long as he tells me he's okay and that he thinks about me. I am still willing to make the good memories count more than the bad stuff. That is why I am, once again, plunged into the unknown. I just felt that we could be great together. That is why I took this (whatever-you-call-it) to a whole new level because he showed me how to take a chance even with the possibilty that it can only be for a moment. I don't even want to grasp the thought of him away from me any longer; I just want to make lasting memoriesl last.

But sometimes I ask myself why I ever took that plunge. Why I didn't hold back even though I was scared. So I can shield myself from life and all it can give me? Sure, things might not turn out they way I want it to, but it could. Living is about experiencing. I have learned so much from the most unexpected people. I learned from him too. He made me a better person and this is why I took the chance. Life continues to be one big surprise.

So life, please surprise me. I am badly in need of one. and PLease please make it a good surprise. Thank you.