Chasing down a never ending make-believe ♥

I'd be updating this thing but somehow the password slipped my head. Like I basically have so much passwords on different accounts I'm surprised I got lucky tonight and figured it out. OKay. It's that time to vent again. For heaven's sake I don't understand why we have this on and off emotional disconnection! We could get all cuddled up in bed, or watching tv or having fun doing plain whatever then next thing you know we aren't in sync then we start yelling on each other's face. Sometimes I like to tell myself all the things he would say to me just to forget him. I like his mean words to echo inside my head, make myself feel very sorry, then maybe, be able to finally walk away. I would put it on replay,
"Yes I think I can live without you."
"I used to love you 100% and now it could only be a quarter of that."
"Yes, you can leave me. Just leave."
"Just leave."
"Just leave."
"Just leave."
That's how he is. He would not try to fight for me. He would let go of the love he has for me just to satisfy himself. Just to make the pain go away in a snap. Tangina, "I" wish I could take the pain away in a heartbeat! I love him and this is why it hurts so much when we don't connect. My heart sinks everytime we fight because all I could ever think about is I can't do this anymore. Geeno and his new gf, I see them as a couple making the best of what they have because their time is short, whatever they had will just disappear in a blink of an eye. That being said I think it hurts more when you're unexpecting it. You're caught off guard. So sudden you don't even know what to do first. To pack your things, or prepare yourself to be a completely new person without that significant other. The one that you have spent over a year and a half with....Everyday of your goddamn life. Everyday you do everything with him then suddenly, he's gone. Only the memories remain.

I know we both haven't fallen out of love but it's so hard to be the only one who "actually" really cares. It hurts to think I'd have to be the one to fucking try to tlk to him. It hurts to be the one to always have to take care of him. To be the responsible one. To be the one who fucking loves more. Sometimes I really just want to run away. I think it's better to face the fact that it's over rather than burying him beneath a happy demeanor with the hope that things will magically get better. In time we all get over of the past, anyway.

I thought we had gotten over that. It's been a struggle. But now I think we're back to square one.
I love him more than ever but he can't do the same. So who's stupid, ME--- or him for not seeing how he has this girl who would do everything for him?