Chasing down a never ending make-believe ♥

I firgured it out. I'm the one to blame. I had high hopes that this could turn out into something when it can't. I know he loves me, but he hasn't made it to that place - that kind of love, yet. I'm in this relationship and I can't share it with the whole world because he's afraid of what others might think, nope not publicly in facebook. People around me knows I'm in love but they wonder why I have been single for the longest time on that social network. I'm afraid it won't ever be known.. until that one day it fades. I'm afraid that he's concerned of always wanting to do the "right things," but what if we end up missing that "chance of a lifetime.?" I'm afraid he is waiting for a sign that isn't going to come. I'm afraid he won't ever take a chance on me.

For me, this is easy. I'm not afraid to lead with my heart. I'm not afraid to show my emotions, to be honest, to be vulnerable. True love deserves that. This is a risk and I want to take it with him. But how can this lead to something good when he yells at me, tells me to leave, and gives me all this bullshit? There aren't even promises. No wedding bells, no kids, no future house. I wish there were these sorta dreams even if we would only joke about it. And sex? Sex can be amazing... sometimes. It's just been more like "work" than "fun." And then sweetness...? Sometimes I kind of wish we were "just" best friends now. At least in the past he would take care of me.. say sweet words, give me flowers. We would even fall asleep and wake up still hugging each other. This was what it used to be.

But I couldn't deny it, or hide it... I'm happy with him. It's that feeling he gives me that all the riches in the world can't buy. This is why I push it. I keep pushing it. Hoping, wishing, that someday, maybe.. just maybe, he's the ONE.

One year of beautiful. Even if we didn't manage to celebrate it, how I look at it..? Its a year of something really spectacular. Hell we aren't perfect. There were dark days and days that I thought the sun couldn't compare to us. But we're this funky twist of fate that turned into a bond that couldn't be denied, only relished and cherished. I had months of fear, scared that all this fight would turn out to be our final goodbye. Our one year of beautiful are worth eternity of memories (even if our pictures doesn't say so *sigh*). I'm not sure when we'll find what works, how we can still be close and not get hurt. But I hope we get there. I really hope we do. Our story isn't like "Judy and Benjie," our story isn't a fairytale. But I hope in time we learn to cherish what's important and not care about "what others think." Because this was tonight's argument. It's been THE argument. Boy, I love you and to me you're more important, than what others think. I don't like to be this way. I can be the most amazing person but only to a certain extent, I'm human too. Love is letting go of that control and jumping off that cliff without a parachute. It’s a beautiful and terribly scary thing. I know he can't promise me the most perfect things but he can be the person who tries.

I’m looking ahead and all I know is that there’s him and me, and it’s bright and beautiful with a little bit of rain showers.

Life is too short.










What happend to us? Where did the sweetness go?