Empty.

I feel empty. Running away and not returning. The job, family responsibilities, the stress..? However the fact of the matter is, I only feel empty when he and i aren't ourselves. Whenever we don't talk, whenever we're cold. I get scared sometimes. Scared that one day I'll just crash and burn. Give everything up in just a snap of a finger.. and I always felt that it was a necessary move. But that's my thing of the past. I've learned, lived, and changed, and I know I'm stronger than that.. for the man I love. But what if that day comes? I was never happy letting someone go--I'm never happy when things end. But maybe whenever I was ready, get extremely exhausted to think, even loving that person beyond my control and despite the hurt stuff, I guess I've always been ready to start over and end the relationship and just move on. But how can this be any different? Because this person is someone I really love. But he's hurt me more than anyone else has. I've lived my past the same way and I don't want it repeating itself. And yesterday has been very bad for me at work.. I wanted a shoulder to lean on. I wanted a hug to tell me it's okay. I wanted someone to tell me what an ass these people are who eats you alive. BUT, it's not much of a surprise to me that that night ended up worst with a fight, fixing up the apt like usual. Will he never understand? Do I always have to be the one to try? Should I just be with someone who really loves me, who would do like I do to fix things? Frankly I do get into this lame-ass mood and end up dozing off in the couch and zoning out television. But come on. I work a 12hr shift. once a week I only get 3 hours sleep then work again. Damn I work 48-60 hours a week for heavens sake. By CA law we are only allowed to work 40 hours w/in the same company. And he can't even understand how I wish I just wanna get a hug to let me know I'm doing a good job for helping others. Yesterday I was talking to one of my patients. He and I would always talk about he and his wife met, how their life was, etc I told him how my cousins tease me about being an old maid. And then he told me, he never got married til he was 35. He told me not to rush. He said I'm a beautiful woman, always giving and very hardworking. And they've been married for 20 years now. So i guess it's never too late. Whenever I see a husband and a wife at the clinic, giving each other that endless support and that incredible love for his sick wife/ husband, I thought about me and Dan. My co worker even asked me one day if i was willing to do all that for someone I love. I quickly responded and said of course I would. When I think about Dan, I think about someone getting stressed out thinking of all the responsibility taking care of me as a sick person. [knock on wood] he would never be able to give me that with all his heart. Honestly. What am I still doing here.