Teary-eyed a few times after watching today's Army Wives episode. Pretty harsh for a 40 minute watch O_o sometimes you'll never know when you'll lose someone. Life doesn't play fair. Neither does fate. Sometimes we should put aside our pride and instead make those people we love happy. I'm glad I'm no longer the person I was before... or at least I'm getting there. I used to not care, I didn't care if they were down on their knees begging for mercy. I didn't care if I rejected a hundred calls, or not answer fifty text messages in a day. But that person I was? It's just not the right thing to be. Why let those we love be in pain? Personally I think couples should always work together hand in hand. It can't always be about giving, but also being loved equally in return.

Ugh my emotions are on a high again. I'm being melodramatic for the past few hours now (72 and counting!)

We wuz bored

Two weeks ago.
Love makes the world go round =p








High much?







playing with colors

A month of non-update. Sorry if I had been neglecting you dear blog. Perhaps I could've just wrote more on the days when I felt alone and restless. Yes, the past few days have been a whirlwind of buoyancy with drama on the side. I'm surprised I never resorted to my silent listener for once, today being an exception. I feel like I lost my bestfriend, and what better way to let off a few steam is to type words that can't come out my mouth. Rewind. Things that kept me preoccupied the last three weeks:

- we had to get another place and the packing and putting things in storage and finally getting them out of the boxes caused big chunks of body malaise. thus preventing me from making even a pintsized blog update.
- babysitting my cousins daughter ate most of my time
- friends became mostly my center of attention
- job hunting and going on interviews
- helluvah lot of August birthdays and parties
- getting hurt and being happy simultaneously

(wait, what? did i say i was getting "hurt?")
YES.

.. and tonight i realize, what meaning is there when you love someone as opposed to being alone because you end up crying anyway?? say you're happy with someone but when things starts becoming a tough battle, you get hurt as fuck. while being alone, you only deal with the "blues," something much easier to bear than to get hurt by someone you love. I've had four long-term relationships in the past, but somehow i still can't relate the difference of what "being loved" really is. yes you get showered with extreme love, those to-die-for phrases, the lovely eyes, that warm embrace, that lust you share. but in the end we still get hurt. tragic. does this mean true love doesn't exist? because if it does, i really don't want to be wasting time anymore. at this point i want someone i can share my whole life with. someone i could be myself with. someone i can trust. someone i could build dreams and hopes with. someone mentally, physically, and maturely stronger. i mean don't we all?? sometimes, i wish i wasn't the person who saw good in everyone. sometimes i wish i didn't give myself that much chances. i hate chances. sometimes, i just wanna listen to some loud music then turn the volume up so I can feel music in my bones and scream til I'm dizzy.. Then make the buttons pop off my shirt and hear the satisfying tear of fabric. sometimes, i ask myself- do i deserve better, or does he?

K I'm getting pointless. That being said, my head hurts. Good night.
Suck it, bitches.

So when I said I have thoughts about putting my personal life out here, I think I'll do just that. I don't have my John anymore to listen to me talk about crap or cry with me all night, or get drunk and cranky with.

Dealing with someone has never been an issue for me. I do care what others may think, so although sometimes I just wanna turn the voume up so I can feel music in my bones and scream til I'm dizzy, I try to be that person I was taught to be. Down-to-earth, silly, God-fearing, be a loving sister, daughter, friend. I've often been told to choose my friends wisely. Birds of the same feather, flock together, they say. I don't wanna be coined as someone I'm not just because of the people I'm with. I choose who I want to be with and when I feel they're worth my all, I give them my all. I really don't want to be the person who pretends to like somebody. Forget gentle, forget restraint. I'm seriously in need of an antithesis to this routine, I have the feeling it will never come to a halt because two of the people I care about are banded together in this madness. While I don't give a fuck, I'm the person who has standards and morales. Obviously she does not have that. I've never had people issues... not that I'm well liked by everybody (hell nobody's perfect there will always be someone who hates on you). But sometimes, no matter how much you just wanna pound both your fists against a wall and make them bleed because of sheer anger, there's this thing they call respect. I will see and hear about this person in perpetuum unless I either just give in: Tell her she's a fucking bitch, or let go of those things (/ persons) that draws us both together. You see there's a fine line between true friends, and fake friends and I don't think she understands that. But knowing myself, I don't let these petty things get to me.. I don't really like going down another person's level. Still sometimes, there are sort of things that I have trouble swallowing. I guess sometimes there are things you just have to take in hand despite the fact that you just wanna give in and make it stop.

Sorry for the lame entry. Last night I spoke to mom and cousin about it but sometimes there are things I can't tell them either. This person has just been an issue with my cousin and her husband earlier, and I hate that most of their arguments and my cousins family issues are about this person over and over. And now my other cousin. Things has not been the same between his family and him and so does everyone related to him just because.. just because. So I'm sorry my emotions are on a high. Guess you can now understand where all this is coming from. I just needed to write an entry in an attempt to salvage my sanity.

"When life throws you lemons, jump on a chair and tell it to fuck off before you belt the shit out of it" :)

For some weird reason, I feel incomplete.

And I've been asked this many times over today.. What's my birthday wish?
And I either say, "too many to write down" or.. "what more could I ask for?"

But why do I feel this? It suddenly just struck me. The downside of having a birthday... you reflect on just about everything: the past, the present, the future. I spoke to a good friend earlier, and I feel like the phone just melted. Regardless, it was something I needed because I can't always resort to my blog or to that one person. Likewise I don't really blog about my personal life... the numero uno reason on why I even re-vamped this site but I don't see it going in that direction. Maybe it's time I break out of my shell and say what I want to say and feel what I want to feel, regardless of who's watching or reading. Perhaps I should start invading some comfort zones and broach subjects that aren't meant to be talked about or record moments that I would normally want to erase forever. Whatever I decide to do, this blog will contain it all; after all, I'm sure I'll be doing this same type of reflecting six years down the line. Anyway I do like bloggers who occasionally speak about themselves, personally. I love writers who open up about their little: quirks, traits, and idiosyncrasies. And I think I should too given that none of my "really" close acquaintances know of this blog.

So what's this emptiness I feel? I don't have the slightest idea. But there IS something missing.

Another year older (and wiser??)

So my birthday has come around yet again. I can hardly believe it. Somehow, I’ve marked 25 lighting-quick years on this earth which seems to have whizzed past. Over this year I've grown immensely as a person- done things that I never thought about doing, been through a fair chunk personal wise, and I can honestly say I'd be nowhere without my friends new and old. So thank you, to the most important people in my life.

Birthdays are a time for celebration of course, for me I like to take them nice and quietly. I’m not big into parties and so on and usually opt for the indulgence option. Taking time for myself on that day, and spending them with close friends. Something else had been planned tomorrow, but I'm still looking forward to going to it all the same. And since I haven't gone out to club in awhile, I think birthdays make good alibis to go there [I'm a night person but clubs doesn't really go on on my Top 10 list]

I'm looking forward to this year. As I venture into my late-twenties/almost-thirties (?!), I do believe that I’m more comfortable with myself. I try to enjoy myself everyday… whether it’s just talking to "that" someone, cuddling with the Princess, getting a big hug from "that" someone or singing in the shower… I try. I’m not always successful but you can’t knock a girl for trying.

So to anyone else that has a birthday today – the best birthday out of the entire year, mind you – HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. I hope you enjoy yourself today and carry the birthday celebration into the weekend. Just don’t party too hard – because no one really likes worshipping the porcelain god.

Today, I won't say no.

And tomorrow.

.. and the day after that.
.. and the day after that...

Making up for the non-update.
A summary of this week =]

Downtown San Diego






Random man who took the picture: "Pretend that you like each other! WAIT that's not pretending!" ...... LOL.





Daniel and Joey's Joint Birthday




Randominity. The Kevinsan and I



See you all in a few ^^


Love,

Yes. It is monday.. and I haven't posted for a couple days and basically only reason I am now is because I am procrastinating and have a hatred for having a long "to-do-list" that runs deeper than the depths of hell. Anyway :) I was actually very productive today. VERY. I was able to do three loads of laundry, vacuum the entire house, wipe every single furniture in my bedroom, and lastly fix my closet which hella seemed like forever!

So I really have only been working, watching movies with Geeno and the Kevinsan, lounging with them and doing things here and there. My sleep-wake schedule has become really bad though. Sometimes I can't even fall sleep out of shear exhaustion. *tear, I know

Well I've seen "Inception," which I think was certainly mind-bending. Some parts are simply too obscure to comprehend. It isn't a bad movie, but I could never sit through it again. Let's just say, it's probably a movie that needs to be seen more than once to understand the entire plot.

What else.? Oh, Ip Man and Open Grave last night with the two buds. Pretty decent I must say. What else what else.... Working a twelve hour shift Thursday and Friday nights. Freaken exhausting, it's been awhile since I last did a twelve. But sometimes your passion speaks for you and you forget about those "other things." ^^ So that was basically my entire week. Oh and of course the "heavy housekeeping" today O_o Then tomorrow, heading out with a hella lot to do. And finally, my big chunk of news. I got another job thing that happened today but I can't really say what it is because I don't wanna jinx it. lol. But I am SO pumped for at least even getting a response from them! *woow*

ANYWAY. This week has been good overall. It's always nice to be busy and stressed out and then go out to meet your friends and just have one helluvah good time ^_^ I don't know how well blogging is going to go for the next couple days. But I will try to check back when I can. So I must leave you now and probably should hit the hay. Au Revoir!

Hello world.

A week of non-update. Sorry for the sudden MIA. Been busy with a whirlwind of.. crap. Haha I kid. My time has been mostly with work and the Kevinsan. I don't see much going on this week soo yeah with all being well I might go on a blogging frenzy ;) Ooh blogspot how I missed thee! Heading out in a bit, will update soon ^_^

Reach for the Stars

I'm never really into horoscopes, I'm skeptic about interpretations but I think I shall make today an exception and see what the stars has to say =] .. then maybe, make a regular feature out of it :) So I visited Em and Lo today and according to my weekly horoscope...


Leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve got it going on this week, so don’t waste it. And don’t ask us what “it” is — if we knew what “it” was, do you think we’d still be here peddling horoscopes? No, we’d bottle it and become millionaires and you’d have to pay $200 an hour to hear what we think about the stars. Until then, use your “it” wisely: Pick up the damn phone and make a date — or at least have really steamy phone sex.

......Err.. no words. Definitely. lol ^^

My horoscope today according to Glamour -

Get your work done early, especially your home chores. If you're involved with someone, or interested in someone -- platonically or romantically -- you shouldn't count on getting much done this afternoon. You're only able to hold out for so long before you start secretly planning how to 'accidentally' bump into them. When that happens, you're pleasantly surprised to learn that someone else had that in mind as well.

.. Okay. I think now I'm convinced.lol Did they have to say "platonically or romantically?" =)

Everyone has a Life story.

This video clip definitely doesn't speak my current mood. But..

This is FML-week.
This is don't-show-anyone-you're-slipping week.
This is dear-god-let-me-be-empty week.
This is happy-but-sad-week.
This is I'm-so-tired-of-arguing week.

This is
please
let
me
disappear
week.

fries and soda = comfort food

where life and emptiness become one.
where fading into the background is the only thing that matters.

So here's a vid I found that I think would be really nice to watch just to give us that push :)