A blog is something to channel sadness with. kind of like telling yourself a story, or telling a friend a story. They would listen to you regardless if your going on about one thing over and over again. On the other hand, I noticed that the past few months, all this blog has has been about sadness and anger. I found myself wondering, am I really happy? Or only because I have no words to define how happy I am that I fail to write about them?

That being said I hate to keep my mind milling over my current state so I should just go back to sleep cos it's 3am and I have work tomorrow.
Good night.

.. just another heartache

My mornings are like clockwork. Alarm would go off, after one hit of the snooze button I would get up and go to the bathroom, make my green tea, facebook a little, and cuddle next to Princess while she lays on our bed waiting for her stomach to get patted. Then she follows me as I make breakfast, waiting and waiting till we all sat down on the living room and eat breakfast together. I then get ready for work, give her a little hug before i leave, and say, "Bye Prins, be good okay? I Love you!" :(

On that same day when I had to leave her to mom, I already felt empty, No more wet dog smell that used to permeate our room. Life makes no sense without her. What I wouldn't give to hear her sigh and snuggle next to me right now. She has been there for me through so much. To have her snuggled up in my arms made everthing in this horrible world seem alright. My heart dies when I come home to an empty house..no happy hello's or barking. My bed seems cold without her cuddled up to me, and there seems to be no excitement waking up in the mornings now because i don't hear her stamping little feet following me around all day. We used to do everything together and now she is not there to share it with me.

I know Daniel is trying hard. But when his bestfriend tells u during rough times that me leaving feels like "It's weird pero nakakagaan ng pakiramdam....." would you even trust that he really loves you? I understand that he wants to play safe now. I am aware that if we get caught again, we are in violation of our lease , and they may even kick us out – and on top of that FINE us. But wth. If we're leaving in a month, what's so hard about keeping her with us until the time comes? Is it worth giving me the heartache? I would hate to get evicted myself, but I haven't been away from my Princess ever since I had gotten her. And it's so hard that he can't understand that. I love them both, they're my world but it's tearing my heart out. I mean God knows what I would give to make him happy... and right now it seems like this is another one way street. And to be awake at this hour? Writing my thoughts out because I'm emotionally torn again. If he really does care, why can't he just convince himself to let me keep her for just another goddamn month? She was always there, right next to me, being her adorable quirky self and now it just feels weird without her and it's sad that he can't give me my life.back. I really want to stand by his words, but it's just so hard. My days feels incredibly incomplete :(

Empty.

I feel empty. Running away and not returning. The job, family responsibilities, the stress..? However the fact of the matter is, I only feel empty when he and i aren't ourselves. Whenever we don't talk, whenever we're cold. I get scared sometimes. Scared that one day I'll just crash and burn. Give everything up in just a snap of a finger.. and I always felt that it was a necessary move. But that's my thing of the past. I've learned, lived, and changed, and I know I'm stronger than that.. for the man I love. But what if that day comes? I was never happy letting someone go--I'm never happy when things end. But maybe whenever I was ready, get extremely exhausted to think, even loving that person beyond my control and despite the hurt stuff, I guess I've always been ready to start over and end the relationship and just move on. But how can this be any different? Because this person is someone I really love. But he's hurt me more than anyone else has. I've lived my past the same way and I don't want it repeating itself. And yesterday has been very bad for me at work.. I wanted a shoulder to lean on. I wanted a hug to tell me it's okay. I wanted someone to tell me what an ass these people are who eats you alive. BUT, it's not much of a surprise to me that that night ended up worst with a fight, fixing up the apt like usual. Will he never understand? Do I always have to be the one to try? Should I just be with someone who really loves me, who would do like I do to fix things? Frankly I do get into this lame-ass mood and end up dozing off in the couch and zoning out television. But come on. I work a 12hr shift. once a week I only get 3 hours sleep then work again. Damn I work 48-60 hours a week for heavens sake. By CA law we are only allowed to work 40 hours w/in the same company. And he can't even understand how I wish I just wanna get a hug to let me know I'm doing a good job for helping others. Yesterday I was talking to one of my patients. He and I would always talk about he and his wife met, how their life was, etc I told him how my cousins tease me about being an old maid. And then he told me, he never got married til he was 35. He told me not to rush. He said I'm a beautiful woman, always giving and very hardworking. And they've been married for 20 years now. So i guess it's never too late. Whenever I see a husband and a wife at the clinic, giving each other that endless support and that incredible love for his sick wife/ husband, I thought about me and Dan. My co worker even asked me one day if i was willing to do all that for someone I love. I quickly responded and said of course I would. When I think about Dan, I think about someone getting stressed out thinking of all the responsibility taking care of me as a sick person. [knock on wood] he would never be able to give me that with all his heart. Honestly. What am I still doing here.

The one who lost her

Found this today. Wanted to share it because it's incredible.



To the one that holds her heart,

This is going to sound so very cliche, but if you break her heart, I will run you over with my car. Now I’m pretty sure you have no idea who I am, but trust me I know all about you. You see, I have many friends, in many places. And I just wanted to make sure that the one who is dating the girl that I love with all my heart is in good hands. Since you have not received any threats yet, I guess you’re an alright guy.

But here’s a couple tips for you, always text her back, she gets really frustrated if you don’t. Don’t ever hang up on her without saying good-bye first, I’ve done that countless times and she gets really pissed off. She has certain days where she has to watch her shows like Pretty Little Liars and One Tree hill, make sure you don’t plan anything on those days. Surprise her, she likes them. She’s only ticklish in some spots and sometime she isn’t ticklish at all. She’s a fighter haha. And if she’s quoting Taylor Swift, either you’re in really big trouble or you’re making her happy.

And when you hug her, remember that you are hugging the most beautiful girl in the world and that you should always hug her back tighter. If she argues with her, argue back. But give in to her sometimes cause she can be a real bitch when she wants to be. Don’t hurt her, that will be the worst thing that you will ever do.

You have no idea how lucky you are to call her yours. So cherish it. You have the honor of holding her hand. You have the privilege to kiss her when you want. You have the ability to make her happy. She isn’t just another girl, she’s that girl that can make you the happiest person ever if you give her the chance. She’s worth everything. Everything. Take care of her.

Sincerely,

The one who lost her

Resorting to blogging again because writing feels so therapeutic i feel like someone is listening. so yesterday has been hard. i don't think i've ever cried like that in ages, never screamed like that for the most part. so here is boyfriend telling me to get the fuck out of his apartment and telling me things isn't working anymore. I cried over and over again. While he was out with his bestfriend without a care in the world. I never thought he would be the one going for the easy way out. He was always the one to remind me that I'm stronger than that. Or maybe there is no easy way. Or maybe the right way and the easiest way sometimes are the same. The first time we met we were having fun already. When he became my bestfriend everyday was something to look forward to. We would spend some days talking for hours, telling memories, crying, catching up, falling in love (deeply, insanely). honestly my life is really just as hectic as he is, and he thinks it's all about him. he is doing classes at college, thinking of getting a job in the summer, and fiercely independent and i admire him for that. while i have this job as nurse that's all about caring for other people and helping them heal. it's a job where you can't really show your emotions and sometimes i pity myself because i help others but i can't help myself. yesterday morning i met this black man on his late twenties who's not you're typical hip-hopper gangstah kind of (not being racial here). i was getting the rug doctor out of the car and he offered to help me bring it home. he was nice, and hot, and sexy. he owned this hot black sports car. (ok snappping out of it) but that moment didn't matter but today i realized maybe there's still some good out there. but just the ache of being apart from my bestfriend is too excruciating to think of. it fells good when he leans in closely, when he does little things for me, when he annoys the fuck out of me. but this man is not ready to spend the future with me. maybe everything that happend to us has a purpose. or maybe nothing does. maybe it's all just a succession of random events. all i know is, a year ago, i met this man who became my happy pill, who dragged me out of the darkness, and into a world of new beginnings, of hope when I thought happiness was impossible. This pill inspired me to be my own person, to think deeply about what is important to me, to question my ignorant ways of the past.
And something inside me was shaken awake for the first time, and now i'm going to have to force it back to sleep.

I thought he was genuine... like a jewel in the rocks. But we live in two completely different worlds. I don't even know why I'm this attached, when in this past one single mistake ruins everything for me. I thought i was wiser. I thought i knew better. Its not like we've been together very long. Maybe it was the first night I met you. When the first time we ever talked we were already laughing because of the guessing game we were playing. Perhaps it was how you used to always listen. Or you stealing that first kiss while pretending to watch the television. or maybe, .. maybe it was when i thought i found my bestfriend. They say it's love when you cuddle so close together in the couch where you can't even tell which ones are your arms anymore. When you make love everyday. When you can't sleep unless he's beside you. When you can't wait to come home because you know someone's waiting for you. When you look forward to the weekends because you know you're spending it with someone. When you can't wait for the holidays because you know you have someone to spend it with. And we are all that. But how come i feel empty? It's not like our love for each other died. But we couldn't stand each other either when we argue. Why do i have to be brutally honest? Because when i do, whatever i say you use against me. I don't know why I always do this. There must be a genetic quirk in my brain or something, because I genuinely can't help myself. I fall deeply in love, I give my all and it goes down the drain. I thought i was stronger but i can never be stronger for the man who's willing to let me go.

It's only a matter of time before I stumble across that person who will somehow make my world magic again. Just by looking at me he'll put a hundred different feelings in my body and my head will go completely blank when he smiles. My heart will skip a beat from the slightest sound of my phone, and everything I do when he's not around will be colored by his absence. I will meet someone who doesn't have that need of playing games and instead of following all kinds of rules, simply follows his heart. Someone who makes me wanna look past all the times I've been hurt and feel like it's actually worth risking everything again. He will sigh at my stupid jokes and the way I tend to forget stuff and mess everything up, but deep down he'll love it because love's not about accepting each others flaws, it's about loving them because they make us who we are. I will find somebody for whom I am prepared to show not just the strong, independent side of me that the rest of the world know, but also the insecurities that make me wake up in the middle in the night crying because I'm sick of hurting.

He will not give me my confidence back or make me love myself again. I have no need for a fairytale prince who lifts me up on his white horse and saves me. He will make me complete though, in a way no one has ever done before, and together we will get struck by love so hard that nothing will ever be the same again. You see, I know he's out there and I won't stop until I find him. Cause I deserve nothing less than to love someone who loves me back and this I know. But thank you, thank you for trusting me and thank you for being trustworthy. Thank you for all the laughters and the tears. I couldn't see myself missing anyone else the way I miss you. The thing is, I'm hurting you. I want to stop hurting you. I have to let us go. I have to let you go. In my heart, I will always remember.

Halloween 2010

I apologize for the non-update! I've a gazillion of pics on my desktop but I'll just let the halloween ones do the talking for the moment.

Teary-eyed a few times after watching today's Army Wives episode. Pretty harsh for a 40 minute watch O_o sometimes you'll never know when you'll lose someone. Life doesn't play fair. Neither does fate. Sometimes we should put aside our pride and instead make those people we love happy. I'm glad I'm no longer the person I was before... or at least I'm getting there. I used to not care, I didn't care if they were down on their knees begging for mercy. I didn't care if I rejected a hundred calls, or not answer fifty text messages in a day. But that person I was? It's just not the right thing to be. Why let those we love be in pain? Personally I think couples should always work together hand in hand. It can't always be about giving, but also being loved equally in return.

Ugh my emotions are on a high again. I'm being melodramatic for the past few hours now (72 and counting!)

We wuz bored

Two weeks ago.
Love makes the world go round =p








High much?







playing with colors

A month of non-update. Sorry if I had been neglecting you dear blog. Perhaps I could've just wrote more on the days when I felt alone and restless. Yes, the past few days have been a whirlwind of buoyancy with drama on the side. I'm surprised I never resorted to my silent listener for once, today being an exception. I feel like I lost my bestfriend, and what better way to let off a few steam is to type words that can't come out my mouth. Rewind. Things that kept me preoccupied the last three weeks:

- we had to get another place and the packing and putting things in storage and finally getting them out of the boxes caused big chunks of body malaise. thus preventing me from making even a pintsized blog update.
- babysitting my cousins daughter ate most of my time
- friends became mostly my center of attention
- job hunting and going on interviews
- helluvah lot of August birthdays and parties
- getting hurt and being happy simultaneously

(wait, what? did i say i was getting "hurt?")
YES.

.. and tonight i realize, what meaning is there when you love someone as opposed to being alone because you end up crying anyway?? say you're happy with someone but when things starts becoming a tough battle, you get hurt as fuck. while being alone, you only deal with the "blues," something much easier to bear than to get hurt by someone you love. I've had four long-term relationships in the past, but somehow i still can't relate the difference of what "being loved" really is. yes you get showered with extreme love, those to-die-for phrases, the lovely eyes, that warm embrace, that lust you share. but in the end we still get hurt. tragic. does this mean true love doesn't exist? because if it does, i really don't want to be wasting time anymore. at this point i want someone i can share my whole life with. someone i could be myself with. someone i can trust. someone i could build dreams and hopes with. someone mentally, physically, and maturely stronger. i mean don't we all?? sometimes, i wish i wasn't the person who saw good in everyone. sometimes i wish i didn't give myself that much chances. i hate chances. sometimes, i just wanna listen to some loud music then turn the volume up so I can feel music in my bones and scream til I'm dizzy.. Then make the buttons pop off my shirt and hear the satisfying tear of fabric. sometimes, i ask myself- do i deserve better, or does he?

K I'm getting pointless. That being said, my head hurts. Good night.
Suck it, bitches.

So when I said I have thoughts about putting my personal life out here, I think I'll do just that. I don't have my John anymore to listen to me talk about crap or cry with me all night, or get drunk and cranky with.

Dealing with someone has never been an issue for me. I do care what others may think, so although sometimes I just wanna turn the voume up so I can feel music in my bones and scream til I'm dizzy, I try to be that person I was taught to be. Down-to-earth, silly, God-fearing, be a loving sister, daughter, friend. I've often been told to choose my friends wisely. Birds of the same feather, flock together, they say. I don't wanna be coined as someone I'm not just because of the people I'm with. I choose who I want to be with and when I feel they're worth my all, I give them my all. I really don't want to be the person who pretends to like somebody. Forget gentle, forget restraint. I'm seriously in need of an antithesis to this routine, I have the feeling it will never come to a halt because two of the people I care about are banded together in this madness. While I don't give a fuck, I'm the person who has standards and morales. Obviously she does not have that. I've never had people issues... not that I'm well liked by everybody (hell nobody's perfect there will always be someone who hates on you). But sometimes, no matter how much you just wanna pound both your fists against a wall and make them bleed because of sheer anger, there's this thing they call respect. I will see and hear about this person in perpetuum unless I either just give in: Tell her she's a fucking bitch, or let go of those things (/ persons) that draws us both together. You see there's a fine line between true friends, and fake friends and I don't think she understands that. But knowing myself, I don't let these petty things get to me.. I don't really like going down another person's level. Still sometimes, there are sort of things that I have trouble swallowing. I guess sometimes there are things you just have to take in hand despite the fact that you just wanna give in and make it stop.

Sorry for the lame entry. Last night I spoke to mom and cousin about it but sometimes there are things I can't tell them either. This person has just been an issue with my cousin and her husband earlier, and I hate that most of their arguments and my cousins family issues are about this person over and over. And now my other cousin. Things has not been the same between his family and him and so does everyone related to him just because.. just because. So I'm sorry my emotions are on a high. Guess you can now understand where all this is coming from. I just needed to write an entry in an attempt to salvage my sanity.

"When life throws you lemons, jump on a chair and tell it to fuck off before you belt the shit out of it" :)

For some weird reason, I feel incomplete.

And I've been asked this many times over today.. What's my birthday wish?
And I either say, "too many to write down" or.. "what more could I ask for?"

But why do I feel this? It suddenly just struck me. The downside of having a birthday... you reflect on just about everything: the past, the present, the future. I spoke to a good friend earlier, and I feel like the phone just melted. Regardless, it was something I needed because I can't always resort to my blog or to that one person. Likewise I don't really blog about my personal life... the numero uno reason on why I even re-vamped this site but I don't see it going in that direction. Maybe it's time I break out of my shell and say what I want to say and feel what I want to feel, regardless of who's watching or reading. Perhaps I should start invading some comfort zones and broach subjects that aren't meant to be talked about or record moments that I would normally want to erase forever. Whatever I decide to do, this blog will contain it all; after all, I'm sure I'll be doing this same type of reflecting six years down the line. Anyway I do like bloggers who occasionally speak about themselves, personally. I love writers who open up about their little: quirks, traits, and idiosyncrasies. And I think I should too given that none of my "really" close acquaintances know of this blog.

So what's this emptiness I feel? I don't have the slightest idea. But there IS something missing.