The Secret Letter

Black mascara stained tissues fill my bedroom floor. I never even knew it was possible to feel this alone. I have friends but I can never have them like I can have you, can I? Ever since you left I haven't been able to think straight. I never asked for this. I never thought things would have turned out this way. Never in a million years. The idea that I have absolutely no control in a situation that is going to affect my life is a scary thought. It’s like watching a train wreck happen right in front of my eyes.

They say some things don’t work out like they should. Maybe they’re right, maybe they’re wrong. Maybe you were always meant to leave. Maybe I’m supposed to find myself while you’re away. Do some soul searching while you’re gone. I’ve got time. I’m sure you’re doing the same.

I envy the couples I see passing me by on the city streets. I have half of what they have. I have you, but not your presence. I have your memory but not your touch. I want so badly to just be able to kiss your lips, hold your hand, and see your smile once again. Yeah, modern technology is great. But it’s not enough. I need You, not your picture. Are webcams and sporadic phone calls suppose to hold me through months, even years without seeing your face, touching your skin, feeling the warmth and safety of your arms around me. Wait, what am I talking about? We haven't webcammed in ages, nor talked on the phone.

Nevertheless, I love you whether you’re right next to me or a thousand miles away. It's just difficult that’s all. Whatever happens, please just don't forget about me because I will never forget about you. In the mysterious and distant place of the future, I don't know if we will end up together. For now I'll keep my memories close to my heart and continue to re-live them until the moment we can create even more.


Love, Jern

lol. this one's so funny i just had to put it out here ^^

"You make me happy and it scares me. I'm scared that I'll forget about him."

new change

the new black.

I just realized, one of the many zillions of trivialities that spark my hyperactive imagination late at night when I can't sleep:

1. I wonder how my Arvin is?
2. When the fuck am I gonna get that full time job?
3. What will happen in a few months?
4. What shall I do tomorrow since I only work a few hours in a week?

And some recent absurdity:

.. Why am I thinking about this other "thing" when I shouldn't be? Cousin Ellaine said, to not let it get over me. Trust me, hell I'm not. But it's the same issue over and over. People like to make blah stories. And now, it's all bouncing in my insane head.

A monster hug please, and a reason not to cry.

Seriously. What do I do?
Be happy without him, or be unhappy without him?
Must people always have a say about something?

For a single moment I want to feel like the universe isn't about to crush me and my heart isn't about to explode and THAT'S wrong?

You know what sucks? Being THE family driver. Family nanny AND driver. I can't believe mom used to do this all the time! Waking up at 530 in the morning is not fun at all. To start off, dropped my dad off at the base at friggen 530am, then comes 7am I drop my two brothers off to school. When I got back I couldn't sleep any longer so I decided to fold the clothes from the dryer. I never realized being home alone wasn't so easy. Then at twelve noon, I had to cook lunch. Dad usually does it in the evening but we were busy over the weekend =( At 2pm, I start picking everyone up. This isn't a usual routine but I was the one home today therefore I am left with the "privilege." Darn it. lol. I never knew staying home could be soo exhausting!! I seriously ended up sleeping from 4pm-6pm O_o and now I can't sleep. Double darn.

Anyway. Babe made me this letter two days ago and I honestly couldn't stop reading it. He's just too sweet.


to the gem that sparkles in my thoughts,
you have persuaded me to understand what a soulmate truly is, i sympatize about you every second of my time. i admire every female envying quality and capabilities you have. i love everything about you from your sensitive touches all the way to your smile, you fill my heart with the essence of passion, like the feelling of being struck by cupid's arrow. you radiate like the flames of the sun itself. ive traversed the world and found nothing until i met you. you are my empathy, my symbol, a puzzle that completes and fortifies my heart. you have filled the gap that used to be a lonesome one in the past, but you have relinquished that feeling because i have you. time seems too slow when we're apart, and too agile when i'm with you, i wish it never ended, but i will be waiting for that day when im with you again my love, my bride, my future wife..♥ . regardless of these ridiculed long days im not with you i'll be with you eventually because everyday is one step closer to you. JERN you will be and only will be the only one that suffices my heart....APR 2012 is what i'll be longing for. I LOVE YOU ETERNALLY AND KNOW THAT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Me and brotha. Just havin lol^^

I wouldn't usually blog how my days had been. But I thought I'd make this a little like my old one where I put just about everything in and when I get bored, I look back and laugh at all the memories :)

To start off, Bens grill and resto. This was unplanned but I went anyway even if it was last minute. It's my first time alone with cousin Ellaine too ever since I arrived.

Ellaine, Me and the "bestfriend," Dan (hehe).


With Aira,(guest singer and friend of Ellaine) Ken and Ron


Me and Dan again lol

Got home around three am, a little tipsy with three bottles of beer >,<

May 08
Dan being the really good friend he is, took us to his ship and showed us around. I seriously got dizzy lol but I guess it didn't bother me so much because I was having a blast looking around. Since the inside of these ships are all alike, it undeniably made me feel more closer than ever to my Arvin. It was just, breathtaking. It felt like we were together inside that ship.



k, enuff drama. picture overload with Daniel.







So these are their "racks" huh. omg, i could hardly fit in that thing =(



Thank you Dan, for the tour! ^^
.. then we headed to Chula Vista to pick-up Geeno, ate at this resto somewhere there, then to AMC to watch Iron Man 2. The day was crazy but all in all I had a real good time. I wish he was here though.

Dedicated to my one and only.

i iz bein silly again.. teehee xD

Singing to "Lucky" with singingdrok888 =D

Watch me do it



This is what I do when I'm alone and bored. lol