Chasing down a never ending make-believe ♥

Resorting to blogging again because writing feels so therapeutic i feel like someone is listening. so yesterday has been hard. i don't think i've ever cried like that in ages, never screamed like that for the most part. so here is boyfriend telling me to get the fuck out of his apartment and telling me things isn't working anymore. I cried over and over again. While he was out with his bestfriend without a care in the world. I never thought he would be the one going for the easy way out. He was always the one to remind me that I'm stronger than that. Or maybe there is no easy way. Or maybe the right way and the easiest way sometimes are the same. The first time we met we were having fun already. When he became my bestfriend everyday was something to look forward to. We would spend some days talking for hours, telling memories, crying, catching up, falling in love (deeply, insanely). honestly my life is really just as hectic as he is, and he thinks it's all about him. he is doing classes at college, thinking of getting a job in the summer, and fiercely independent and i admire him for that. while i have this job as nurse that's all about caring for other people and helping them heal. it's a job where you can't really show your emotions and sometimes i pity myself because i help others but i can't help myself. yesterday morning i met this black man on his late twenties who's not you're typical hip-hopper gangstah kind of (not being racial here). i was getting the rug doctor out of the car and he offered to help me bring it home. he was nice, and hot, and sexy. he owned this hot black sports car. (ok snappping out of it) but that moment didn't matter but today i realized maybe there's still some good out there. but just the ache of being apart from my bestfriend is too excruciating to think of. it fells good when he leans in closely, when he does little things for me, when he annoys the fuck out of me. but this man is not ready to spend the future with me. maybe everything that happend to us has a purpose. or maybe nothing does. maybe it's all just a succession of random events. all i know is, a year ago, i met this man who became my happy pill, who dragged me out of the darkness, and into a world of new beginnings, of hope when I thought happiness was impossible. This pill inspired me to be my own person, to think deeply about what is important to me, to question my ignorant ways of the past.
And something inside me was shaken awake for the first time, and now i'm going to have to force it back to sleep.