I'd be updating this thing but somehow the password slipped my head. Like I basically have so much passwords on different accounts I'm surprised I got lucky tonight and figured it out. OKay. It's that time to vent again. For heaven's sake I don't understand why we have this on and off emotional disconnection! We could get all cuddled up in bed, or watching tv or having fun doing plain whatever then next thing you know we aren't in sync then we start yelling on each other's face. Sometimes I like to tell myself all the things he would say to me just to forget him. I like his mean words to echo inside my head, make myself feel very sorry, then maybe, be able to finally walk away. I would put it on replay,
"Yes I think I can live without you."
"I used to love you 100% and now it could only be a quarter of that."
"Yes, you can leave me. Just leave."
"Just leave."
"Just leave."
"Just leave."
That's how he is. He would not try to fight for me. He would let go of the love he has for me just to satisfy himself. Just to make the pain go away in a snap. Tangina, "I" wish I could take the pain away in a heartbeat! I love him and this is why it hurts so much when we don't connect. My heart sinks everytime we fight because all I could ever think about is I can't do this anymore. Geeno and his new gf, I see them as a couple making the best of what they have because their time is short, whatever they had will just disappear in a blink of an eye. That being said I think it hurts more when you're unexpecting it. You're caught off guard. So sudden you don't even know what to do first. To pack your things, or prepare yourself to be a completely new person without that significant other. The one that you have spent over a year and a half with....Everyday of your goddamn life. Everyday you do everything with him then suddenly, he's gone. Only the memories remain.

I know we both haven't fallen out of love but it's so hard to be the only one who "actually" really cares. It hurts to think I'd have to be the one to fucking try to tlk to him. It hurts to be the one to always have to take care of him. To be the responsible one. To be the one who fucking loves more. Sometimes I really just want to run away. I think it's better to face the fact that it's over rather than burying him beneath a happy demeanor with the hope that things will magically get better. In time we all get over of the past, anyway.

I thought we had gotten over that. It's been a struggle. But now I think we're back to square one.
I love him more than ever but he can't do the same. So who's stupid, ME--- or him for not seeing how he has this girl who would do everything for him?

i FUCKING hate this feeling! i feel like i'm not loved :(
i feel alone.

i feel that i'm wasting my time.

i feel that i'm not treated right.

this feels WRONG....

I firgured it out. I'm the one to blame. I had high hopes that this could turn out into something when it can't. I know he loves me, but he hasn't made it to that place - that kind of love, yet. I'm in this relationship and I can't share it with the whole world because he's afraid of what others might think, nope not publicly in facebook. People around me knows I'm in love but they wonder why I have been single for the longest time on that social network. I'm afraid it won't ever be known.. until that one day it fades. I'm afraid that he's concerned of always wanting to do the "right things," but what if we end up missing that "chance of a lifetime.?" I'm afraid he is waiting for a sign that isn't going to come. I'm afraid he won't ever take a chance on me.

For me, this is easy. I'm not afraid to lead with my heart. I'm not afraid to show my emotions, to be honest, to be vulnerable. True love deserves that. This is a risk and I want to take it with him. But how can this lead to something good when he yells at me, tells me to leave, and gives me all this bullshit? There aren't even promises. No wedding bells, no kids, no future house. I wish there were these sorta dreams even if we would only joke about it. And sex? Sex can be amazing... sometimes. It's just been more like "work" than "fun." And then sweetness...? Sometimes I kind of wish we were "just" best friends now. At least in the past he would take care of me.. say sweet words, give me flowers. We would even fall asleep and wake up still hugging each other. This was what it used to be.

But I couldn't deny it, or hide it... I'm happy with him. It's that feeling he gives me that all the riches in the world can't buy. This is why I push it. I keep pushing it. Hoping, wishing, that someday, maybe.. just maybe, he's the ONE.

One year of beautiful. Even if we didn't manage to celebrate it, how I look at it..? Its a year of something really spectacular. Hell we aren't perfect. There were dark days and days that I thought the sun couldn't compare to us. But we're this funky twist of fate that turned into a bond that couldn't be denied, only relished and cherished. I had months of fear, scared that all this fight would turn out to be our final goodbye. Our one year of beautiful are worth eternity of memories (even if our pictures doesn't say so *sigh*). I'm not sure when we'll find what works, how we can still be close and not get hurt. But I hope we get there. I really hope we do. Our story isn't like "Judy and Benjie," our story isn't a fairytale. But I hope in time we learn to cherish what's important and not care about "what others think." Because this was tonight's argument. It's been THE argument. Boy, I love you and to me you're more important, than what others think. I don't like to be this way. I can be the most amazing person but only to a certain extent, I'm human too. Love is letting go of that control and jumping off that cliff without a parachute. It’s a beautiful and terribly scary thing. I know he can't promise me the most perfect things but he can be the person who tries.

I’m looking ahead and all I know is that there’s him and me, and it’s bright and beautiful with a little bit of rain showers.

Life is too short.










What happend to us? Where did the sweetness go?

A blog is something to channel sadness with. kind of like telling yourself a story, or telling a friend a story. They would listen to you regardless if your going on about one thing over and over again. On the other hand, I noticed that the past few months, all this blog has has been about sadness and anger. I found myself wondering, am I really happy? Or only because I have no words to define how happy I am that I fail to write about them?

That being said I hate to keep my mind milling over my current state so I should just go back to sleep cos it's 3am and I have work tomorrow.
Good night.

.. just another heartache

My mornings are like clockwork. Alarm would go off, after one hit of the snooze button I would get up and go to the bathroom, make my green tea, facebook a little, and cuddle next to Princess while she lays on our bed waiting for her stomach to get patted. Then she follows me as I make breakfast, waiting and waiting till we all sat down on the living room and eat breakfast together. I then get ready for work, give her a little hug before i leave, and say, "Bye Prins, be good okay? I Love you!" :(

On that same day when I had to leave her to mom, I already felt empty, No more wet dog smell that used to permeate our room. Life makes no sense without her. What I wouldn't give to hear her sigh and snuggle next to me right now. She has been there for me through so much. To have her snuggled up in my arms made everthing in this horrible world seem alright. My heart dies when I come home to an empty house..no happy hello's or barking. My bed seems cold without her cuddled up to me, and there seems to be no excitement waking up in the mornings now because i don't hear her stamping little feet following me around all day. We used to do everything together and now she is not there to share it with me.

I know Daniel is trying hard. But when his bestfriend tells u during rough times that me leaving feels like "It's weird pero nakakagaan ng pakiramdam....." would you even trust that he really loves you? I understand that he wants to play safe now. I am aware that if we get caught again, we are in violation of our lease , and they may even kick us out – and on top of that FINE us. But wth. If we're leaving in a month, what's so hard about keeping her with us until the time comes? Is it worth giving me the heartache? I would hate to get evicted myself, but I haven't been away from my Princess ever since I had gotten her. And it's so hard that he can't understand that. I love them both, they're my world but it's tearing my heart out. I mean God knows what I would give to make him happy... and right now it seems like this is another one way street. And to be awake at this hour? Writing my thoughts out because I'm emotionally torn again. If he really does care, why can't he just convince himself to let me keep her for just another goddamn month? She was always there, right next to me, being her adorable quirky self and now it just feels weird without her and it's sad that he can't give me my life.back. I really want to stand by his words, but it's just so hard. My days feels incredibly incomplete :(

Empty.

I feel empty. Running away and not returning. The job, family responsibilities, the stress..? However the fact of the matter is, I only feel empty when he and i aren't ourselves. Whenever we don't talk, whenever we're cold. I get scared sometimes. Scared that one day I'll just crash and burn. Give everything up in just a snap of a finger.. and I always felt that it was a necessary move. But that's my thing of the past. I've learned, lived, and changed, and I know I'm stronger than that.. for the man I love. But what if that day comes? I was never happy letting someone go--I'm never happy when things end. But maybe whenever I was ready, get extremely exhausted to think, even loving that person beyond my control and despite the hurt stuff, I guess I've always been ready to start over and end the relationship and just move on. But how can this be any different? Because this person is someone I really love. But he's hurt me more than anyone else has. I've lived my past the same way and I don't want it repeating itself. And yesterday has been very bad for me at work.. I wanted a shoulder to lean on. I wanted a hug to tell me it's okay. I wanted someone to tell me what an ass these people are who eats you alive. BUT, it's not much of a surprise to me that that night ended up worst with a fight, fixing up the apt like usual. Will he never understand? Do I always have to be the one to try? Should I just be with someone who really loves me, who would do like I do to fix things? Frankly I do get into this lame-ass mood and end up dozing off in the couch and zoning out television. But come on. I work a 12hr shift. once a week I only get 3 hours sleep then work again. Damn I work 48-60 hours a week for heavens sake. By CA law we are only allowed to work 40 hours w/in the same company. And he can't even understand how I wish I just wanna get a hug to let me know I'm doing a good job for helping others. Yesterday I was talking to one of my patients. He and I would always talk about he and his wife met, how their life was, etc I told him how my cousins tease me about being an old maid. And then he told me, he never got married til he was 35. He told me not to rush. He said I'm a beautiful woman, always giving and very hardworking. And they've been married for 20 years now. So i guess it's never too late. Whenever I see a husband and a wife at the clinic, giving each other that endless support and that incredible love for his sick wife/ husband, I thought about me and Dan. My co worker even asked me one day if i was willing to do all that for someone I love. I quickly responded and said of course I would. When I think about Dan, I think about someone getting stressed out thinking of all the responsibility taking care of me as a sick person. [knock on wood] he would never be able to give me that with all his heart. Honestly. What am I still doing here.

The one who lost her

Found this today. Wanted to share it because it's incredible.



To the one that holds her heart,

This is going to sound so very cliche, but if you break her heart, I will run you over with my car. Now I’m pretty sure you have no idea who I am, but trust me I know all about you. You see, I have many friends, in many places. And I just wanted to make sure that the one who is dating the girl that I love with all my heart is in good hands. Since you have not received any threats yet, I guess you’re an alright guy.

But here’s a couple tips for you, always text her back, she gets really frustrated if you don’t. Don’t ever hang up on her without saying good-bye first, I’ve done that countless times and she gets really pissed off. She has certain days where she has to watch her shows like Pretty Little Liars and One Tree hill, make sure you don’t plan anything on those days. Surprise her, she likes them. She’s only ticklish in some spots and sometime she isn’t ticklish at all. She’s a fighter haha. And if she’s quoting Taylor Swift, either you’re in really big trouble or you’re making her happy.

And when you hug her, remember that you are hugging the most beautiful girl in the world and that you should always hug her back tighter. If she argues with her, argue back. But give in to her sometimes cause she can be a real bitch when she wants to be. Don’t hurt her, that will be the worst thing that you will ever do.

You have no idea how lucky you are to call her yours. So cherish it. You have the honor of holding her hand. You have the privilege to kiss her when you want. You have the ability to make her happy. She isn’t just another girl, she’s that girl that can make you the happiest person ever if you give her the chance. She’s worth everything. Everything. Take care of her.

Sincerely,

The one who lost her

Resorting to blogging again because writing feels so therapeutic i feel like someone is listening. so yesterday has been hard. i don't think i've ever cried like that in ages, never screamed like that for the most part. so here is boyfriend telling me to get the fuck out of his apartment and telling me things isn't working anymore. I cried over and over again. While he was out with his bestfriend without a care in the world. I never thought he would be the one going for the easy way out. He was always the one to remind me that I'm stronger than that. Or maybe there is no easy way. Or maybe the right way and the easiest way sometimes are the same. The first time we met we were having fun already. When he became my bestfriend everyday was something to look forward to. We would spend some days talking for hours, telling memories, crying, catching up, falling in love (deeply, insanely). honestly my life is really just as hectic as he is, and he thinks it's all about him. he is doing classes at college, thinking of getting a job in the summer, and fiercely independent and i admire him for that. while i have this job as nurse that's all about caring for other people and helping them heal. it's a job where you can't really show your emotions and sometimes i pity myself because i help others but i can't help myself. yesterday morning i met this black man on his late twenties who's not you're typical hip-hopper gangstah kind of (not being racial here). i was getting the rug doctor out of the car and he offered to help me bring it home. he was nice, and hot, and sexy. he owned this hot black sports car. (ok snappping out of it) but that moment didn't matter but today i realized maybe there's still some good out there. but just the ache of being apart from my bestfriend is too excruciating to think of. it fells good when he leans in closely, when he does little things for me, when he annoys the fuck out of me. but this man is not ready to spend the future with me. maybe everything that happend to us has a purpose. or maybe nothing does. maybe it's all just a succession of random events. all i know is, a year ago, i met this man who became my happy pill, who dragged me out of the darkness, and into a world of new beginnings, of hope when I thought happiness was impossible. This pill inspired me to be my own person, to think deeply about what is important to me, to question my ignorant ways of the past.
And something inside me was shaken awake for the first time, and now i'm going to have to force it back to sleep.

I thought he was genuine... like a jewel in the rocks. But we live in two completely different worlds. I don't even know why I'm this attached, when in this past one single mistake ruins everything for me. I thought i was wiser. I thought i knew better. Its not like we've been together very long. Maybe it was the first night I met you. When the first time we ever talked we were already laughing because of the guessing game we were playing. Perhaps it was how you used to always listen. Or you stealing that first kiss while pretending to watch the television. or maybe, .. maybe it was when i thought i found my bestfriend. They say it's love when you cuddle so close together in the couch where you can't even tell which ones are your arms anymore. When you make love everyday. When you can't sleep unless he's beside you. When you can't wait to come home because you know someone's waiting for you. When you look forward to the weekends because you know you're spending it with someone. When you can't wait for the holidays because you know you have someone to spend it with. And we are all that. But how come i feel empty? It's not like our love for each other died. But we couldn't stand each other either when we argue. Why do i have to be brutally honest? Because when i do, whatever i say you use against me. I don't know why I always do this. There must be a genetic quirk in my brain or something, because I genuinely can't help myself. I fall deeply in love, I give my all and it goes down the drain. I thought i was stronger but i can never be stronger for the man who's willing to let me go.

It's only a matter of time before I stumble across that person who will somehow make my world magic again. Just by looking at me he'll put a hundred different feelings in my body and my head will go completely blank when he smiles. My heart will skip a beat from the slightest sound of my phone, and everything I do when he's not around will be colored by his absence. I will meet someone who doesn't have that need of playing games and instead of following all kinds of rules, simply follows his heart. Someone who makes me wanna look past all the times I've been hurt and feel like it's actually worth risking everything again. He will sigh at my stupid jokes and the way I tend to forget stuff and mess everything up, but deep down he'll love it because love's not about accepting each others flaws, it's about loving them because they make us who we are. I will find somebody for whom I am prepared to show not just the strong, independent side of me that the rest of the world know, but also the insecurities that make me wake up in the middle in the night crying because I'm sick of hurting.

He will not give me my confidence back or make me love myself again. I have no need for a fairytale prince who lifts me up on his white horse and saves me. He will make me complete though, in a way no one has ever done before, and together we will get struck by love so hard that nothing will ever be the same again. You see, I know he's out there and I won't stop until I find him. Cause I deserve nothing less than to love someone who loves me back and this I know. But thank you, thank you for trusting me and thank you for being trustworthy. Thank you for all the laughters and the tears. I couldn't see myself missing anyone else the way I miss you. The thing is, I'm hurting you. I want to stop hurting you. I have to let us go. I have to let you go. In my heart, I will always remember.

Halloween 2010

I apologize for the non-update! I've a gazillion of pics on my desktop but I'll just let the halloween ones do the talking for the moment.

Teary-eyed a few times after watching today's Army Wives episode. Pretty harsh for a 40 minute watch O_o sometimes you'll never know when you'll lose someone. Life doesn't play fair. Neither does fate. Sometimes we should put aside our pride and instead make those people we love happy. I'm glad I'm no longer the person I was before... or at least I'm getting there. I used to not care, I didn't care if they were down on their knees begging for mercy. I didn't care if I rejected a hundred calls, or not answer fifty text messages in a day. But that person I was? It's just not the right thing to be. Why let those we love be in pain? Personally I think couples should always work together hand in hand. It can't always be about giving, but also being loved equally in return.

Ugh my emotions are on a high again. I'm being melodramatic for the past few hours now (72 and counting!)

We wuz bored

Two weeks ago.
Love makes the world go round =p








High much?







playing with colors